Blunting Knives and Bending Forks
by ParumLuter
Summary: In their last weapons training session before they set off to reclaim Erebor, Fili and Kili receive a shock when Dwalin turns up with plates and bowls... One-shot. DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN THE HOBBIT


**This was inspired by yes, you've guessed it- another fan art I saw. Maybe I should do more of these, cause these are extremely fun!**

**The next chapter of ATIOM will come...at the latest...tomorrow (hopefully).**

**Enjoy!**

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Kili had been never more excited to go train with Dwalin today. Only a few days ago, Thorin had finally given in to him and his brother's arguing and complaining, and had finally let them accompany him on his quest to reclaim Erebor. Dwalin had also promised them that he would give a "special training session" before they headed off to reclaim their homeland.

"Think of that, Fili." he gave his brother a hearty nudge. "Erebor. Just picture it."

Fili rubbed his eyes. Kili had woken him up this morning due to excitement, so the brother was tired, and slightly grumpy. But he could never stay mad at Kili, and Kili knew that. "You know we _can't_ picture Erebor." he said. "We've never seen it."

"Well…" Kili scratched his head. "We could always base it on what Thorin's told us. Giant halls made of stone, rooms overflowing with treasure-"

"More like rooms overflowing with dragon dung."

"Hey!"

Fili shrugged. "It's likely. That dragon's been rolling around in _our_ gold for 200 years, and hasn't been seen for 60 years. Who knows where it's been doing its business?"

"Best not mention that to Uncle." Kili murmured, and they burst out laughing.

"So…what d'you think Dwalin has in store for us today?" Fili asked, once he had stopped laughing.

"Maybe a dragon-fighting session?" Kili said excitedly.

"He's never fought a dragon before, though." his brother pointed out.

"He might be able to."

"You think that? You think that even though Erebor's armies couldn't defeat Smaug, Dwalin could do it?" Fili shook his head.

"Maybe. You never know."

"Well…" Fili sighed. "He did say it was a special training session…"

When the brothers arrived at the small grass clearing where they usually trained, Dwalin was nowhere to be found.

"Strange." Fili remarked. "He's normally here."

"It's ironic." Kili added in. "He yells at us for being late, and now he's nowhere to be found!"

"Well, you'll know what he'll say if he _does_ turn up and see us walking around doing nothing." Fili then put on an impersonation of Dwalin. "What are you lads doing!?" he growled. "Don't you know better than to stand around looking idle and lazy!?"

Kili collapsed on the ground, his sides heaving with laughter. "I…can't…"he gasped.

"LADS!"

Kili got up from the ground in a flash, as Fili smoothed his hair down as he tried to look as innocent as possible. Dwalin walked up to them, one large hand on his hips and a creamy and grey mass tucked under his burly arm. As he marched close, Kili saw he was holding plates and bowls under his arms, along with some forks. His heart sank.

_Are we going to learn how to wash plates?_

"Lads." Dwalin put the plates and bowls down, making sure they didn't topple over. The forks rattled as he spoke. "You're going to learn a very special skill today."

Fili leaned forward eagerly. "Yes?"

"A skill that is only known by the members of the Company, the dwarves whom you'll be travelling with in a few days' time."

"Uh huh." Kili said.

"You are going to learn..." Dwalin paused for dramatic effect. "How to throw plates."

Fili and Kili looked at him incredulously.

"Don't worry." Dwalin reassured them. "It's quite easy."

Kili dodged a plate that went flying over his head, and smashed into the archery target behind him.

"For Mahal's sake, boy!" Dwalin reached for another plate. "Catch them!"

A little far off, Fili was trying to bounce a cream and blue bowl off his arm and knees. He awkwardly kicked it into the air, where it went sailing towards the abandoned weapons rack.

"NO!" Dwalin dropped the plate he was about to throw, and rushed over to the bowl. He caught it just in time.

"Be careful Fili!" Dwalin said as he handed back the bowl. "You wouldn't want to break it, would you?" Then his voice dropped to a whisper. "Your mother would have my hide if I dropped one of her bowls." He picked up the plate he had dropped, and aimed it at Kili.

_Oh boy_. This time, his fingertips managed to brush the edge of the plate, which flew past him and bounced off the archery target. Dwalin let out a sigh of relief.

"You're getting better, at least." he said helpfully, as Kili threw the plate back at him.

"Are you sure this is necessary?" Kili managed to catch the plate that was thrown at him, but rather clumsily.

"Yep." Dwalin said in reply. "I'll tell you _once_ you can catch the plates."

But after a while, Kili learnt how to catch the plates, and turn forks and spoons into deadly projectiles. Fili had learnt to bounce crockery off his elbows and knees, as well as throw plates and forks with a deadly accuracy, like his knives.

"Now will you tell us why?" Kili rubbed sweat from his forehead. This training session had been more strenuous than his normal archery and sword fighting sessions.

"Unless this had all been for nothing." Fili panted.

"Okay, come a little closer." Fili and Kili huddled around Dwalin, as he continued to speak.

"You know about the burglar, right?" Fili and Kili nodded enthusiastically, and in sync.

"Well…Thorin told me he lives in the Shire. I don't know where that is, but it doesn't sound like a dwarf-dwelling."

"So what are you implying here?" Fili asked, looking a bit bewildered.

"If the burglar is annoying, pompous, arrogant or just plain stupid, I want you lads to use this skill, to intimidate him."

"Seriously? You think that someone's going to be scared because their crockery is flying around their heads?" Kili put his hands. "They must be some weirdo, to value plates and bowls that much…"

"Kili, catch!"

With a grin, Kili caught the plate that was being thrown at him, and passed it along to Bifur, who caught it without turning his back.

"Excuse me!" Bilbo shouted. He then began complaining.

Kili had to admit, the plate-throwing skills had come in handy, however useless it had sounded. He enjoyed worrying the hobbit, who looked as if he was about to throw a tantrum. He wanted to annoy Bilbo even more.

"Blunt the knives bend the forks." he shouted, tossing a plate to Fili.

"Smash the bottled and burn the corks!" Fili took up the chant, bouncing the plate off his elbows. _Show-off…_

The other dwarves took up the song. None of them actually knew it; it was made up as they threw the bowls and plates around.

The rest you know.

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**Comments? Criticism? Both are welcome!**


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